The short answer is “they can be”. If you want to know what people can be happy to avoid getting hurt in relationships, please read!
Your mind is made up of two parts; Creative part and logical part. We will call the first part as System 1 and the second part as System 2.
Here are more detailed descriptions of each system:
System 1: Good mood, strong intuition, increased creativity and innovation, naivety, prone to logical errors
System 2: vigilance, analytical, increased mental effort, sadness, doubt, and always on guard
Is this the “either / or” situation? Can you have the best of both worlds? Yes, this is how the human mind is made, to switch between times of danger, concentration, and focus on times of openness, relaxation, and creativity. Problems arise when a person chooses to live in one system or another.
For example, if you are hurt in a relationship, then or before, you can catch the feelings and thoughts that are associated with the pain you feel. Increasingly, your system is 2 engaged and ever alert to looking for additional ways that you are hurting, the ease with which you exchange changes to make more mental and emotional efforts, The sense of sadness of what you have lost develops a relationship (resentment), and your guard is always with you to prevent further injury. This is detrimental to the relationship because it can create a downward spiral of interaction and cause the other person to engage with their system 2, as well. One illustration I use for this is the person you see from a restaurant in a distance. They complain to the hostess / host and are inferior to the waiter / waitress. If they arrive with someone else, even that person is treated suddenly and ruthlessly. Why do they behave like this? Very simply, they are hurt and they behave in such a way as to keep everyone away so that they do not get hurt again.
The opposite can also be true. If you are hurt in a relationship and you are working in your system 1, you can easily take advantage. The other person keeps on doing and saying things that hurt, but your system 1 is not thinking logically, is naive, and it gets you creative and in a good mood, believing that you can change the relationship Will find a way to improve. Many times this does not happen. And, you get hurt easily and more often.
Real happiness is only found when there is a right balance between System 1 and System 2. Just suppose that you can go back to magical times when you first came into a relationship. Somewhere where you are and now you are the balance point. In the first few weeks or months of the relationship, your System 1 was in charge. Whenever you saw that person or you heard their name, you were immediately in a good mood. Both of you were creative in your relationship, regularly surprising the other with gifts, phone calls, texts, cards and such. You moved in with your “gut” feeling (intuition) at the time and things you usually did to make the other person happy or not. Consider where you are now in that relationship, maybe months or years. Many feel they need more work and energy (System 2), as they are willing to spend to find the same level of enthusiasm and enjoyment, or even close to it.
So, how did you find the balance between System 1 and System 2? While working with my clients, I saw 3 steps that I found very successful:
1. Know Your Values
These are the values that make you who you are. When you know that you value the most and respect those people, you will not let the struggle exist for long. Tell the person you are with what your values are and never let anyone get into a dispute until you choose to change them. This allows you to be in System 1 where you are happy, creative, intuitive, but no longer innocent because you know your values. Your time in System 2 will be minimal.
2. Know what your mission in life is
Once you know your values, you begin to understand your purpose in life. Here are some areas to consider: How do you want to serve the people around you? What do you want to contribute to your family, community, city, state, nation globally?
3. Based on the first two exercises, how do you now see your future in the 6-month, 1-year, 5-year and beyond? Now you can create a concrete vision of what your life will be like.
When you have the stability of these three components, you can confidently know when to increase your mental effort and go into System 2 as important, logical, focused, alert, and even suspicious Be and avoid other injuries. The rest of the time you can enjoy life well in System 1; Being in a good mood, let creativity and innovation flourish, and let your intuition guide you. Is now your time to find that balance?